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From tamsun!cs.utexas.edu!qt.cs.utexas.edu!zaphod.mps.ohio-state.edu!sol.ctr.columbia.edu!bronze!commgrp@silver.ucs.indiana.edu Fri Feb 7 13:06:10 CST 1992
Article: 15595 of rec.humor
Path: tamsun!cs.utexas.edu!qt.cs.utexas.edu!zaphod.mps.ohio-state.edu!sol.ctr.columbia.edu!bronze!commgrp@silver.ucs.indiana.edu
From: commgrp@silver.ucs.indiana.edu (BACS Data Communications Group)
Newsgroups: rec.humor
Subject: Re: Old Time Religion
Message-ID: <1992Jan24.181700.14071@bronze.ucs.indiana.edu>
Date: 24 Jan 92 18:17:00 GMT
Sender: <commgrp@silver.ucs.indiana.edu>
Organization: Indiana University
Lines: 481
jsasmore@jade.tufts.edu wrote:
>Hello -- a while ago ( i believe a month or two ago) someone
>posted a canonical list of verses to the song "old Time religion"
>Does anyone have this list saved? my copy was corrupt (disk
>error) when i tried to read it last week. I would appreciate a
>copy either by e-mail or by posting. Thanks a lot
e-mail wouldn't go. Here's my list from rec.humor over a year ago:
Refrain: Gimme that _real_ old-time religion,
Gimme that _real_ old-time religion,
Gimme that _real_ old-time religion,
It's good enough for me.
Warriors for Allah
Are sure to have a gala
time in old Valhalla
And that's good enough for me
We will all bow down to Allah,
For he gave his loyal follow-
Ers the mighy petro-dollah,
And that's good enough for me.
We will pray with Aphrodite
Even tho' she's rather flighty
And she wears that see-thru nighty
And that's good enough for me.
Let us worship Aphrodite,
Though we hear she's rather flighty
Still she looks great in a nightie
And that's good enough for me.
In the church of Aphrodite
The Priestess wears a see through nightie
She's a mighty righteous sightie,
And she's good enough for me
Let us worship Aphrodite
She is beautiful, but flighty
She doesn't were a nightie
But she's good enpough for me
If your rising sign is Aries
You'll be taken by the faeries
Meet the Buddha in Benares
Where he'll hit you with a pie.
We will have a mighty orgy,
In the honor of Astarte
It will be one helluva party
And it's good enough for me.
Azathoth is in his Chaos.
Azathoth is in his Chaos.
Now if only he don't sway us,
Then that's good enough for me.
Azathoth is in his chaos
We know he's a really big boss
Now if only he don't slay us
Then that's good enough for me.
When we worship Bacchus
The ethanol will sock us
We'll all get good and raucous
And that's good enough for me.
We will venerate old Bacchus
Drinking Beer and eating Tacos
'till you've tried it please don't knock us
'cause it's good enough for me.
We will venerate Bubastes.
We will venerate Bubastes.
If you like us then just ask us,
And that's good enough for me.
Let us sing for Brooharia
Though the blood's a lot less cleaner
It's not Christian Santaria
So it's good enough for me
My roommate worships Buddha.
There is no idol cuter.
Comes in copper, bronze, and pewter,
And that's good enough for me.
No one wrote a verse for Buddha
Though I think they really could'a
And I really think they should'a
'cause he's good enough for me
We will read from the Cabala.
Quote the Tree of Life mandala
It won't get you in Valhalla,
Yet it's good enough for me.
Just like Carlos Casteneda,
Just like Carlos Casteneda,
It'll get you sooner or later
And it's good enough for me.
There are followers of Conan.
And you'll never hear 'em groaning
Followed Crom up to his throne(in)
And it's good enough for me
Let us sing to Lord Cthuhlu
Don't let Lovecraft try to fool you
Or the Elder Gods WILL rule you
And that's good enough for me.
And for those who follow Cthulhu
We've really got a lulu
Drop a bomb on Honululu
Cause thats good enough for you
It was good enough for Cupid
And the tricks to which he stooped
'thou his wings are kinda stupid
But he's good enough for me
If it's good enough for Dagon
That conservative old pagan
Who still votes for Ronald Reagan
It's good enough for me
If you think that you'll be sa-ved,
If you think that you'll be sa-ved,
If you follow Mogan David,
You're not good enough for me.
Let us dance with Dionysus
And get drunk on wine and spices
The Christains call them vices
But they're good enough for me
Let's all drink to Dionysus
His wine and women beyond prices
He made a Maenad out of my Sis
And that's good enough for me
Let us sing to old Discordia
'Cause it's sure she's never bored ya
And if she's good enough for ya
Then she's good enough for me.
Let us worship like the Druids
Drinking strange fermented fluids
Running naked through the woo-ids,
And that's good enough for me.
Let us pray like the Egyptians
Build pyramids to put our crypts in
Fill our subways with inscriptions
It's good enough for me.
We will all bow down to Enlil
We will all bow down to Enlil
Pass your cup and get a refill
With bold Gilgamesh the brave.
Let us do our thing for Eris
Goddess of the discord there is
Apple's golden, it's not ferrous
and that's good enough for me
Pure science was the object
Of the Manhattan Project
It was good for Enrico
And it's good enough Fermi.
We will sing of Foul the Render,
Who's got Drool Rockworm on a bender
In his cave in Kiril Threndor--
They're both too much for me.
It's the opera written for us.
We will all join in the chorus.
It's a song about Boris
And it's Godunov for me.
Where's the gong gang? I can't find it
I think Northwoods is behind it
For they've always been cymbal minded
Yet they're good enough for me.
There is room enough in Hades
For lots of criminals and shadies
And disreputable ladies,
And they're good enough for me.
To the tune of Handel's "Largo"
We will hymn the gods of cargo
'Til they slap on an embargo
And that's good enough for me.
We it's good enough for Hastur
He's a mighty kinky master
When you pray he goes much faster
And that's good enough for me
We will all bow to Hephaestus
As a blacksmith he will test us
'cause his balls are pure asbestos
so he's good enough for me.
We will sing of Iluvatur,
Who sent the Valar 'cross the water
To lead Morgoth to the slaughter
And that's just fine with me.
We will go and worship Isis
She will help us in a crisis
And she'll never raise her prices
So she's good enough for me.
We will sing the Jug of Issek,
And of Fafhrd his chief mystic,
Though to thieving Mouser will stick,
That's still good enough for me.
There's one thing I do know
Zeus's favorite is Juno
She's the best at, well, you know
And she's good enough for me.
We will all sing Hari Krishna.
We will all sing Hari Krishna.
It's not mentioned in the mishna
But that's good enough for me.
Hari Krishna he would laugh on
To see me dressed in saffron
With my hair that's only a half-on
And that's good enough for me.
It was good for old Jehova
He had a son who was a nova
Hey there, Mithras move on ova'
A new resurrection day.
Let us worship old Jehovah
All you other gods move ovah
Cause the one God's takin' over
And it's good enough for me
Let us celebrate Jehovah
Who created us \ab/ \ova/
He'll be on tonight on Nova
'cause he's good enough for me.
Let's all listen up to Jesus
He says rich folks like old Croesus
Will be damned until Hell freezes
And that don't sound good to me.
We will finally pray to Jesus,
>From our sins we hope he frees us,
Eternal life he guarantees us,
And that's good enough for me.
Let us watch Ka.ka.pa.ull
Frolic in her swimming pool
Subjecting chaos to her rule
And that's all right with me
We will go to worship Kali
Hugging her is quite a folly
She'd be quite an armful, golly!
And she's good enough for me.
Timmy Leary we will sing to
And the things that he was into
(Well, at least it wasn't Shinto)
And that's good enough for me.
It was good enough for Loki
It was good enough for Loki
He thinks Thor's a little hokey
And he's good enough for me.
It was good enough for Loki
Where he goes, it sure get's smokey
He thinks Thor's a little hokey
And he's good enough for me
And the gods tore into Loki
Saying "Dei-cide is hokey"
So Thor threw him in the pokey
And that's good enough for me
It was good enough for Loki
For he is the god of Chaos
And this verse doesn't even rhyme, or scan.
Fuck you! It's good enough for me.
Let us sing a praise to Loki
The Norse God of Fire and Chaos
Which is why this verse doesn't rhyme or scan
But it's good enough for me
There will be a lot of lovin'
When we're gathered in our coven.
Quit your pushin' and your shovin'
So there'll be room enough for me.
We will all be saved by Mithras
We will all be saved by Mithras
Slay the bull and play the zithras
On that resurrection day.
We will sing a song of Mithras
Let us sing a song of Mithras
But there is no rhyme for Mithras!
Still he's good enough for me.
Montezuma used to start out
He would rip a certain part out
You would really eat your heart out
And he's good enough for me.
We will worship Sun Myung Moon
Though we know he is a goon.
All our money he'll have soon.
And that's good enough for me.
We will all go to Nirvana
So be sure to mind your manners
Make a left turn at Savannah
And we'll see the Promised Land.
It was good enough for Odin
Though that croakin' was forebodin'
Till at last the Giants rode in;
Still it's good enough for me!
Father Odin we will follow
And in fighting we will wallow
Till we end up in Valhalla
And that's good enough for me.
Of the Old Ones, none is vaster
Even Cthulhu's not his master
I refer to the unspeakable ------*
and that's good enough for me
* Well, do YOU want to say it?
It could be that you're a Parsi.
It could be that you're a Parsi.
Walk on by her; you'll get in free
And you're good enough for me.
Praise to Popacatapetl
Just a tiny cigarette'll
put him in terrific fettle
so he's good enough for me.
And when old Quetzelcouatl
Found a virgin he could throttle
And put her heart into a bottle
It was good enough for me.
There are those who worship science
And some would send 'em to the Lions
But without 'em we'd have no appliance
So they're good enough for me
Of Lord Shardik you must beware;
To please him you must swear;
'Cause enraged he's a real Bear,
And that's good enough for me.
There are some who practice Shinto
There's no telling what they're into
Though I guess we could begin to
But that's good enough for me
I will rise at early morning
When my Lord gives me the warning
That the Solar Age is dawning
And that's good enough for me.
We will go down to the temple,
Sit on mats woven of hemp(le),
Try to set a good exemple [sic],
And that's good enough for me.
It was good for Thor and Odin
Grab an axe and get your woad on
Till the Giants went and rode in
And it's good enough for me.
In the names of Thor and Odin
Don't you know there's a war on?
Grab a axe and get your woad on
And it's good enough for me
Good old Thor's the god of thunder
Really helped us get our plunder
Though his head's still truely dunder
He's still good enough for me
You can dance and wave the thyrsos
And sing lots of rowdy verses
Till the neighbors holler curses,
And that's good enough for me.
I hear Valkyries a-comin
In the air their song is coming
They forgot the words they're humming
Yet they're good enough for me.
We will drive up to Valhalla
riding Beetles, not Impalas
singing "Deutschland Uber Alles"
and that's good enough for me.
We will go to worship Venus
Though we hear she's kind of mean(us)
She might bite you on the--elbow
But she's good enough for me.
Well, we went to worship Venus
And, by god, you should have seen us
'Cause the clinic had to screen us
But she's good enough for me.
And though J.C.'s into fish too
He's an avatar of Vishu
So he's welcome here to
And that's good enough for me
There are people into voodoo
Africa has raised a whoodo
Just one little doll will do you
And it's good enough for me.
If you're really into dancing
And want to try some trancing
Then the voodoo gods are prancing
And that's good enough for me
We will sacrifice to Yuggoth
Carve the signs of Azathoth
Burn a candle for Yog-Sothoth
And the Goat with a thousand young.
We will sacrifice to Yuggoth
Light a candle for Yog-Sothoth
If we're good we'll send a Shoggoth
And that's good enough for me.
Let us pray to Zarathustra
Let us pray just like we useta
I'm a Zarathustra boosta
It's good enough for me.
Don't neglect that shrine of Zeus's
Though he's lost his vital juices
Still the old boy has his uses
And he's good enough for me.
We will go to worship Zeus
Though his morals are quite loose
He gave Leda quite a goose
And he's good enough for me.
We will pray to Father Zeus
In his temple we'll hang loose
Eating roast beef au jus,
And that's good enough for me.
--
Frank reid@ucs.indiana.edu
From tamsun!bcm!cs.utexas.edu!uunet!verifone.com!ed_l1 Fri Feb 7 13:43:45 CST 1992
Article: 16368 of rec.humor
Path: tamsun!bcm!cs.utexas.edu!uunet!verifone.com!ed_l1
From: ed_l1@verifone.com
Newsgroups: rec.humor
Subject: Re: Religious views of life
Message-ID: <1992Feb3.150248.3624@verifone.com>
Date: 4 Feb 92 01:02:48 GMT
References: <1992Jan30.232011.3138@csi.uottawa.ca>
Distribution: usa
Organization: VeriFone Inc., Honolulu HI
Lines: 85
In article <1992Jan30.232011.3138@csi.uottawa.ca>, u413077@csi.uottawa.ca (Rob Szarek) writes:
> Thirteen Religious Views of Life or Holy Shit!t
> -------------------------------------------------
>
> Taoism : Shit happens.
> Confucainism : Confucius says: "Shit happens".t
> Buddism : If shit happens, it isn't really shit.
> Zen : What is the sound of shit happening?
> Hinduism : This shit happened before.
> Islam : If shit happens, it is the will of Allah.
> Protestantism : Shit won't happen if I work harder.
> Catholicism : If shit happens, I deserve it.
> Judaism : Why does this shit always happen to me?
> Atheism : I don't believe this shit.
> Agnosticism : What is this shit?
> Satanism : Shit spreads like fire.
> Guianism : Where all a part of the same piece of shit.
>
> Any more shit ?
Another view:
Religious Truths
Taoism:
Shit happens
Confucianism:
Confucious say, shit happens
Buddhism:
Shit happens, but it isn't really shit.
Zen:
What is the sound of shit happening?
Hinduism:
This shit happened before.
Islam:
When shit happens, it is the will of Allah!
Protestantism:
Let shit happen to someone else.
Catholicism:
If shit happens, you deserve it.
Judaism:
Why is shit always happening to us?
Mormonism:
I don't know what to think about this shit happening until I'm told.
Native American:
This shit is sacred when it happens.
Hawaiian:
This is just some more shit happening.
New Age:
Why did I happen to create this shit?
Rastafarian:
Can you smoke this happenin' shit?
Agnosticism:
I don't know shit.
Atheism:
Who gives a shit?
The common experience:
What is this shit?
>
> Rob Szarek
> "Brian M. or Brain from I. Gadget are both from the same place...hell"
--
===========================================================================
|| Ed L'Esperance - P.O. Box 4635, Kane`ohe, Hawai`i 96744 U.S.A. Earth ||
|| Anthropologist, Writer, Editor, etc. -*- IN%"Ed_L1@VeriFone.Com" ||
|| DISCLAIMER: ||
|| Opinions Copyright 1992 Ed L'Esperance. All Rights Reserved ||
===========================================================================
From: rushing_tw@lrc.edu
Newsgroups: rec.humor
Subject: RE: MORE Catholic Jokes...
Date: 20 Jan 92 20:41:45 GMT
Organization: Lenoir-Rhyne College, Hickory, NC
Lines: 48
Here's another Catholic Joke that I heard some time ago...
A little girl was walking down the road pulling a little red wagon when her
priest happened to see her and decided to stop and say hi.
The priest walked up, greeted her, and noticed her wagon behind her. He then
asked her, "What's in the wagon little girl?" The little girl replied "A box"
The priest responded with "Well, what's inside of the box?" , and the little
girl replied with "KITTENS!"
Well the priest, now even mopre curious, said, "What KIND of kittens?" , and
the little girl replied with "Well, they're Catholic kittens."
The priest was touched by her answer, patted her on the head, and both people
went on their serperate ways.
About a week later, the bishop was down visiting the priest to check on him
and see how things were running in his parish. As the two men walked down the
raod discussing church matters, the priest noticed the little girl pulling
her red wagon behind her. He thought that he would score some BIG points with
the bishop by asking about the little girl's kittens again so when she walked
up her stopped to talk to her.
After introducing the bishop to the little girl he asked her, "What's inside
the box today little girl?" The little girl responded with, "KITTENS!"
Anticipating the nig moment, the priest asked the girl, "Well, what kind of
kittens are they?"
The little girl responded with "They're LUTHERAN kittens!"
The priest was confused for a second and then said to the little girl..."But
just last week you said they were CATHOLIC kittens."
The little girl says, "Yes, they were catholic kittens, but now their eyes
are OPEN!"
(No offnense intended to all you Catholics out there, just thought it was funny)
===============================================================================
Travis Rushing..."Trigger" |
LR College | One man's folly...
Hickory, NC |
| Is another man's wife...
e-mail: RUSHING_TW@LRC.EDU |
|
===============================================================================